The aforementioned cuts have begun at the House o’ Gorman.

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For reasons that are not yet entirely clear, Sandy Weill is selling all his worldly possessions. (He claims he and the wife are “downsizing a little bit” but this smacks more of someone having a feng shui attack.) Earlier this month it was Sando’s 15 Central Park West penthouse, which was bought for $88 million as a gift for a 22 year-old fertilizer heiress, today it’s his yacht. For those in the market…

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Good news and less good news. The good news: junior mistmakers needn’t worry much about the new rule stating that one’s bonus will be taken back should he/she leave the firm for greener pastures less than a year after the money hits the bank. The less good news…

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Yesterday afternoon, we met David Gray, a JPMorgan investment banker whose love interest had yet to come around to why they should be together, despite his 1,983 text and emails (over 16 hours), among other romantic gestures, stating as much. Oddly, some people thought that Gray’s decision to, for instance, install a tracking device in his [fingers crossed, it could still happen] future wife’s phone went a bit too far. Said people included the object of his affection, Daniela, her family, the police, who granted her a restraining order against him, and the Internet. Right about now, despite knowing in his heart he’s done–and will continue to do?– the right thing, David is likely feeling a bit alienated by those who just don’t get it, or him. Know who might? A guy named Mike.

Mike recently went out on a date with a woman named Lauren. According to Mike, things went pretty great, as evidenced by the fact that 1) She played with her hair a lot (sayeth Mike: “A woman playing with her hair is a common sign of flirtation. You can even do a google search on it. When a woman plays with her hair, she is preening. I’ve never had a date where a woman played with her hair as much as you did. In addition, it didn’t look like you were playing with your hair out of nervousness.”) and 2) “On a per-minute basis,” he’s never had as much eye-contact during a date as he did with her. Did Lauren say “It was nice to meet you” at the end of things? Yes, and Mike is willing to concede that sometimes that’s a sign of a woman not being interested and rule it as being “inconclusive.” Having said that, all in all, he was pretty sure the signals had more than been put out that a second date and perhaps a serious relationship were on tap.

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Time was, Daniela Rausnitz and David Gray had something special. Following a summer of flirtation across cubicles- Daniela was an intern at JPMorgan, David a “high-flying” third year analyst- the two got together after Daniela graduated from Duke and their relationship was “cemented” when David consoled her over being “sexually harassed by a senior member of the bank.” Things were said to have gotten so serious that David, a Cornell ’04 graduate, even entertained the idea of leaving his wife. Unfortunately, things hit a rough patch after Daniela transferred to JPMorgan’s London office and Big D began “stifling” her. Consequently, Daniela decided to pump the brakes and end things. Still Married David, however, knew better. These two, Daniela and Dave, were meant to be together. Meant for each other. So he did what any other romantic in his shoes would do, and waged a campaign to get her back. Said campaign included the following moves…

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Cuts going down circa now.

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In 2003, things were going pretty well for Todd J. Remis. Great, even. The equity research analyst had left Warburg Pincus Asset Management to found Hygrove Partners LLC, he was living the good life in New York City and he’d recently married Latvia native Milena Grzibovska. The wedding was an intimate affair that included less than 40 guests and took place at Castle on the Hudson in Tarrytown. A proud husband, Remis sent a photo of the happy couple to his alma mater for inclusion in its newsletter, for all his former Bowdoin College classmates to see.

Fast forward six years, and things were going less swimmingly for Todd. For starters, the Chicago Booth grad’s marriage had hit the skids, with a separation in 2008 and an official divorce by 2010. Additionally, he was unemployed, having been laid off or fired from his job at Legg Mason’s ClearBridge Advisors. And with that kind of loss and time on his hands, Todd wanted nothing more than to sit around looking at photos of memories past, specifically of the day he married Milena. Only Todd couldn’t do that, could he? At least not in the way he wanted to, which was by going through the photos chronologically, very beginning to very end, from Milena getting dressed to the bouquet toss to the last dance, laughing, crying, wiping his tears with each shot, laying down naked on a pile of them scattered on the bathroom floor and remembering how he felt that day. The reason he couldn’t do that? Because someone FUCKED Todd, good and hard. And the more Todd thought about it, the more he decided that he had to make that person pay.

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If you’re jammed and don’t have time for that, just skip to the last slide to check out David Einhorn’s breathtaking foam artistry:

Otherwise, proceed.

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