Though they’ve got three more months to turn things around, 2011 is on track to be a year most hedge fund managers would like to forget, performance-wise. John Paulson can’t catch a break, Whitney Tilson is having PTSD flashbacks to 2008 and even among those making money, the gains are a measly 3 or 4 percent a month. One investor who stands out from the crowd? Marx NY Capital founder Niki M. Three years ago Niki was a stripper, first at Sapphire New York, then at HQ Gentleman’s Club, using the gig as “a way to advance her financial career,” and now? She’s running her own show and scoring triple digit returns so far this year, according to the latest letter to investors posted on her Facebook page.

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As we surely needn’t tell you, when one is a high-powered college student expecting to graduate with a bachelor’s degree from Penn next year, one does not have a lot of time on his or her hands. Every moment is precious and efficiency is of the utmost importance. While you might think you already do a fairly good job when it comes to a) time management and b) effectively communicating the fact that taking ten seconds to, say, personalize a job solicitation letter, is a waste of your fucking time that just cost you $10,000, it’s never to late to pick up some new tips. Examine, if you will, the following case study.

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As the users of Mark Zuckerberg’s poking machine among us can attest, there are many things you can expect from your Facebook friends. You can expect that they’ll keep you abreast of every insignificant moment of their entire lives. You can expect that they’ll post public affirmations about being “stronger than this” following a break-up or a shitty lunch. You can expect that, when taking a trip, they’ll let you know the flight number, when they’re on the way to the airport, going through security, sitting at the gate**, waiting to take off, defying the request to power down their phone, losing said battle, touching down on the runway, waiting for their bags and still thinking about the person across the aisle who gave them a weird vibe. You can expect that they’ll upload countless photos of their trip with at least one set devoted to posing (alone) on the beach like they’re shooting the god damn Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition, having forced their travel companion to play photog. You can expect that they’ll assume you want to be friends with their household pet. You can expect that they’ll ask you to send positive thoughts into the universe when said pet when it comes down with a common cold.

As a card-carrying member of Facebook, UBS trader Kweku Adoboli was aware of the social contract one enters when becoming friends with people on the ‘book and held up his end of the bargain, dutifully ‘liking’ the status messages of friends forced to sit through 30-minute delays at Heathrow and keeping his fingers crossed that Mr. Fluffernutterbigglesworthjosecanseconiner would recover soon. Which is why it must have stung pretty badly when, after all he’s done for his so-called friends, they couldn’t toss him one bone and help him out of a tight spot.

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Why do you want to go to business school? Is it to advance your career? While that may be the answer for many, that’s not what business school admissions officers want to hear. They’re bored. Sick of it. They want to be wowed. They want to drill down to who you are- as a human. They want to get to know you. Step out of these clothes and slip into something more comfortable. Figure out what motivates you. What makes you tick. How to they intend to do this? By changing the face of the b-school application process as we know it. The well compensated powers that be in academia have revolutionized the interview process in the following ways:

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Because John Duffy, the Chief Executive Officer of investment bank Keefe, Bruyette & Woods is a married man, some people, such his estranged wife, would like to know why he “lavished millions of dollars’ worth of homes, jewelry and sexy outfits from Victoria’s Secret on stunning women in three different countries.” Kathy Duffy thinks she already has the answer (the trinkets were part of his “public and notorious adulterous relationships”) and for that reason has chosen to demand more than $20 million in divorce proceedings that have taken place so far. But she’s wrong! John AKA “Duff” wasn’t cheating on her with these ladies and his reason doesn’t even involve invoking the law of different area codes. Those homes he bought in Yonkers and CT? Those Rolexes and “educational supplies” and the mesh chaps? Those weren’t gifts for his gal-pals, those were investments!

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Update: According to Citadel “we’re laying off some employees but not shutting down the entity. This continues to be an ongoing business.”

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In you insist on inquiring, you will be made an example of.

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