As you may have heard, a man attempted to hit Rupert Murdoch in the face with a pie during his hearing before Parliament this morning. It’s unclear what sort of cream the pastry contained (custard, whipped, shaving, man, cow), but apparently some of it “spattered Murdoch,” and the proceedings were adjourned for 10 minutes. The pie-thrower was immediately taken into custody, which probably came as relief as it meant that Rupert’s wife Wendi couldn’t finish him off.
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From: [redacted]
Sent: Wednesday, July 06, 2011 10:42 AM
To: CS IBD
Subject: FarewellFriends and colleagues,
Some men are strangers in their birth place, ever ready to throw themselves into the torrent of The Uncertain. Pleasant as it may be, Ogygia remains for them but a place of passage. It has been a highly educational experience on the sell side over the past year and a summer, and I expect that my new position not to deviate much from the arrangement of glowing pixels on one (or multiple) flat screen(s). Yet the stormy Ionian Sea’s calling, and it’s time to set sail.
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And has no time for pedestrian moves like throwing out the receipt or ripping it up after taking out some cash?
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Elite model Xenia Tchoumitcheva is apparently a summer intern at JPMorgan in the graduate program for sales and trading…Apparently this isn’t her first finance internship. She previously interned at Merrill Lynch and the London hedgefund Duet Group, according to her website. She is also spokesmodel for Audi, Burger King, Visilab Sunglasses, and Casino Lugano according to her web site. Tchoumitcheva graduated with a degree in economics. She speaks five different languages. She was also 1st runner up in Miss Switzerland in 2006. [NetNet via BI]
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Part I (emphasis his):
From: [redacted at JPMorgan]
Sent: Thursday, June 16, 2011 1:53 PM
To: All
Subject: REMINDER… TONIGHT ReUnion Bar!
Importance: HighWhat’s up guys,
So tonight is going to be wild… ReUnion Bar on 17th and Park Ave @ 10pm. A link to view pics of the lounge is below in the original email so check it out the place is really classy. We already have 100+ JPMC interns who accepted the invite, so tonight will be a great opportunity to check out everyone and have an awesome time. Keep spreading the word, keep telling everyone and anyone who is not on this list and who doesn’t work for JPMC. You don’t want to miss out on this, trust me.
If there are 100+ interns from around the area who come and talk to me, this will be a huge every week party at different lounges of choice all free of cover. The bigger the crowd, the more discounted drinks, the more fun for all of us. Also, there will be events Fridays and Saturdays if tonight goes well and you all show interest in it.
ReUnion is not strict on IDs so if you have a fake you will be fine. If you don’t have an ID… get one! Sorry about that, I will push for black ‘X’s’ next time so those without IDs can come hangout, since I want you all to have a great time this summer.
TONIGHT:
ReUnion Bar on 17th and Park Ave
Free cover
100+ new friendsDon’t miss out! Tell everyone, it’s going to get wild.
AT THE DOOR SAY YOU ARE WITH “InternParties”… see you all tonight at the Pizza Party, and then at ReUnion!
Part II
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One of the great equalizers in the city of New York, whether you’re a CEO or a summer intern, a billionaire or a mere hundred thousandaire involves beef. Specifically, that found at Shake Shake. Come summer, everyone in this city** waits an ungodly amount of time for their order at Shake Shack, no matter who they are. Senior employees at Credit Suisse, whose building is located across from the original Madison Park Shack, have attempted work-arounds for years, i.e. sending junior staff to wait on line and place orders for them, but still, they wait. Today, however, two viable options for not spending three hours waiting for your Double Shack Burger have emerged. Naturally, they come courtesy of the innovators at Goldman Sachs.
1. Get a job at Goldman Sachs or
2. Work near their downtown office and figure out the secret hand signal that was clearly used in the following scenario:
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Cuts going down circa now.
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Gang, something big has come up this morning and we need to discuss it right now. Don’t want to scare anyone but also don’t want to minimize the enormity of this news so let’s just get right to it. Wall Street has been keeping a secret. Look around at your colleagues this morning. The ones who attended schools like Yale, Princeton and Harvard and played sports like lacrosse and squash and use the word ‘summer’ as a verb and describe the color red as Nantucket red and argue the HJs don’t count if you give them to a guy whose named ends in IV and get aroused at the mere thought of an ACK sticker? They might have had an easier time breaking into the industry than those who graduated from lower ranked universities and did not get their WASP on. Yes, really.
After you’ve picked your jaws up off the floor, you’re presumably going to want to fight us on this and shout “It can’t be!” and “You lie!” Sorry to say it, pumpkins, it’s the truth. But don’t take our word for it- someone actually did a study on the shocking phenomenon.
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Very sad news.
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